58 Hilarious Calendar Jokes to Brighten Up Every Day of the Year

Some say timing is everything and, oh boy, do we agree! Particularly when it’s time to unwind and have a good laugh. So make a date with chuckles as we’ve mapped out a laugh-filled itinerary of giggles just for you. Whether it’s Monday blues, Wednesday woes, or your favorite, the splendid Saturday – we’ve chiselled some really ticklish puns and jokes that play around with all the days of the year, in a calendar theme.

Rest assured, each of these 58 pièces de résistance is so hilarious, you won’t be able to ‘date’ to keep a straight face. They’re family friendly and a surefire way to make every moment of any day a bit sunnier with laughter. So hitch a ride on our fun-mobile as we help you navigate through the months from January jests to December pun-derland. Now, gather the fellas, sit back and prepare yourself to be tickled pink because you’re in for a real treat. These are a few calendar puns and jokes that are simply, ‘date-laugh-ful’!

  • Instead of a calendar, I downloaded a colander app, and as a result, my battery keeps dying.
  • Never in a million years did I imagine I’d have everything by the age of 35: – $650, 000 in passive incomeAn unfilled calendarMy mortgage-free forever homeMaui vacation homeTwo fancy carsA live-in nanny to assist us with our childrenI was correct; I don’t own any of that.
  • A friend who worked at a calendar manufacturing company was dismissed. He simply took the day off.
  • The man who stole an Advent calendar, what happened to him? He had 24 days…
  • I finally realized my calendar was printed upside down. Then, things took an unusual turn.
  • Why are calendars so wise? Because they are always up-to-date!
  • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough, but I decided to quit that and started working at a calendar factory. My job was to make up for lost time.
  • Do you know where the calendar visited on its vacation? Sundial beach!
  • How does the calendar do during a marathon? It always takes a day at a time.
  • My calendar is only temporary. Its time is running out.
  • My calendar’s fifth month was taken out by someone. I’m utterly appalled.
  • I was starving and in need. My clothing was in shambles. I was by myself. I could see the palace from a distance, so I sneaked inside while the guards weren’t looking. Food was in the air. I went in that direction. I observed the Queen and a dozen court ladies enjoying a lavish banquet there. When they all noticed me, they all became silent. I mustered up the confidence to ask, “Please, your majesty, can you spare me a morsel? I am famished. ”Outraged, the queen requested the guards. A pair of enormous, powerful soldiers entered. Take this conceited wretch out and lash him, the queen yelled, pointing at me. “Stop! ”
  • The calendar filed a lawsuit, accusing me of stealing days. I got off on a week’s probation.
  • All the dates on my calendar have worn off. Now, my roommate believes I’m playing tic-tac-toe with him everytime I cross one of the boxes.
  • I worry about the calendar. Its time is running out.
  • Why only 11 months on Spider man’s-calendar? He dropped May.
  • All of my calendars have had the fifth month deleted. I’m appalled.
  • Just received word that two men had been found guilty of stealing a calendar. Both were given six months.
  • A man was imprisoned in a room that contained only a bed and a calendar. How is he able to live? He consumes dates from the calendar and sips water from the bed’s springs.
  • How did the calendar become a millionaire? It had lots of dates!
  • You don’t see invisible calendars every day, so this is unusual. These jokes are from Philogelos (“Love of Laughter”), the oldest joke book still in existence, which dates back to the 4th century AD, and are included in My Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader calendar. They lasted quite long.
  • I started using a calendar from an alternate universe. It is a little spacey, and the dates are out of this world.
  • A few weeks ago, I lost my job at the calendar factory, and all I did was take a few days off. But it’s okay, I believe I will work as a mirror washer. I can definitely see myself engaging in it.
  • Has anyone heard of the two men who stole a calendar? Both were given six months.
  • Why did the calendar apply for a job in Hollywood? It had a lot of dates with stars.
  • Why is a calendar always popular? Because it can always make time for a date!
  • A calendar’s life is so hard, one day it’s on top of the world, the next day it’s obsolete.
  • My life is as messed up as a calendar in a leap year.
  • My employment at the calendar manufacturing was terminated. A few weeks ago, I lost my job at the calendar factory, and all I did was take a few days off. But it’s okay, I believe I will work as a mirror washer. I can definitely see myself engaging in it.
  • Why was the calendar sitting in the ice? It wanted to have chill days.
  • I was shocked when the fifth month was accidentally erased from the calendar.
  • A jealous landlord decided to remove all of his tenants after observing how content they were.
  • The leap year says to the calendar, You always count me in!
  • Why did the calendar join a band? Because it had great days!
  • Dedicated to the English instructor who took my calendar: Your days are running out.
  • Bought a calendar with a 1960s music theme. Large doors are present.
  • I was in Paris in my dream the night before. It was the year 1789.
  • Does your calendar have a leak? Because all the dates are dribbling out.
  • A burglar took my calendar. They have bad news… Next weekend, they have to go to my mother-in-law’s birthday celebration.
  • Why do calendar puns always fail? Because they are constantly worn-out and outdated
  • I dated a girl working at a calendar factory, but it just didn’t work out – she had too many dates!
  • The vet stated that she would euthanize the dog. But why? the owner demanded. Because he’s heavy, the dogtor said.
  • Calendars are going out of style. They may even have less days left, in my opinion.
  • A man tells a doctor, “Doctor, every time I wake up from sleep, I feel lightheaded for 30 minutes, and then I’m OK. ” Get up in half an hour, ” the doctor instructed him.
  • Why do calendars never compete in a boxing match? Because they always get days-ed!
  • A cheapskate listed himself as the heir in his will. An academic stopped over to visit a friend who was in critical condition. The scholar retorted, “When he arrives back, tell him that I stopped by, ” in response to the man’s wife’s statement that he had left.
  • Why was the calendar thrown out of the library? It had too many dates overdue.
  • Tore a page from the calendar, and I got 12 months. They say I got a year!
  • Why did the calendar get promoted? Because it worked 365 days a year!
  • Perhaps you should begin to worry about the calendar since its days are limited
  • My calendar is often marked with vivid neon colors. The best part of my day is it.
  • My friend started a company selling calendars… but he says the days are just flying off the shelves!
  • Why did the calendar go to the psychiatrist? It had too many weekdays.
  • At the pearly gates after dying are three men. St. Peter explains to them that whereas once God required that only Christians who carefully read the Bible may enter Heaven, conditions have since changed and are now less stringent. You merely need to be aware of the fundamentals today. If you can explain to me the significance of Easter, the holiest day in the Christian calendar, you can enter heaven, St. Peter says as he turns to face the first man. Oh, of course, ” the first man responds. We drank green beer because Jesus arrived at that time and drove all the snakes out of Scotland. “No, that’s… that’s entirely incorrect. You’re recalling “Saint Patrick, ” who is said to have expelled snakes from “Ireland” in apocrypha.
  • All we had for toilet paper was a calendar because we were so poor. Those times are now in the past.
  • I came to the realization that I would never again purchase a cheap calendar on the 13th day of the 13th month.
  • What day followed Tuesday in the calendar? WTF
  • Why did the date go to the trash? The calendar said it’s been dumped.

After spending some quality time leafing through our evergreen list of 58 top-notch calendar jokes, you should be positively brimming with giggles and grins. As you flip through your day on this eternal carousel of time, don’t forget to share these timeless wisecracks, perfect for every season and every reason. After all, laughter has no expiration date. So stay punctual in your pursuit of happiness and keep cracking these jokes at every hour, every minute, every second, because as they say, laughter is timeless!