70 Fang-tastically Hilarious Vampire Jokes That Slay Every Time

Sink your teeth into a blood-suckingly good time with a collection of vampire jokes that are so funny, they’re almost spooky. Whether you’re a Dracula devotee or a Twilight enthusiast, these puns and jokes will keep you laughing till the coffin shuts – which we all know, for our vampire friends, might take a while.

Stand off the garlic and holy water as we delve into a list of 70 rib-cracking jokes that will have you howling with laughter under the full moon. So come out from the shadows, sharpen your wits, and prepare to slay the boredom as we journey into the laughably lore of the undead. These are not your regular neck-biting, cape-wearing jokes, these are fang-tastic punchlines that prove humour really is immortal. Go on, stake your claim to a good laugh!

  • What does a vampire become after turning to a life of crime? A fangster.
  • Why do vampires usually win at games? Because they are out for blood.
  • How do you know if a vampire is flirting? They bat their eyes.
  • What is a vampire’s favorite type of cheese? Munster cheese.
  • Why are vampires hard to get along with? They can be a pain in the neck.
  • Why do vampires love to party? Because there’s always a lot to sink their teeth into
  • Why does a vampire never give up? Because every night has a dawn
  • What does Dracula enjoy getting in his mailbox? Fang mail.
  • Why did the vampire become a vegetarian? He heard stake was bad for his heart
  • How does Dracula get a good day’s sleep? He drinks de-coffin-ated coffee.
  • Where do vampires keep their money? The blood bank
  • Why did the vampire break up with her boyfriend? He was a pain in the neck
  • Why does Dracula not like chicken blood? Because they’re fowl-tasting.
  • Why does a vampire never get lost? Because he always bats an eye at the right direction
  • Why are vampires so sociable? They are always looking for new blood.
  • How did the vampires get arrested? By robbing a blood bank.
  • Where does a vampire go when he loses a fight? To the bat-aid station
  • I once watched a vampire race. It was neck and neck at the end.
  • Why did the vampire have to take medicine? Because of their coffin.
  • How did Dracula beat Superman? He was able to get to his Krypt Tonight.
  • Where do vampire students go for their lunch? They go down to the casketeria.
  • Why did the vampire get married? It was love at first bite.
  • What did the vampire doctor say to the patients in the waiting room? Necks please!
  • What did the vampire need at the blood bank? To make a withdrawal.
  • Honestly, vampire jokes really suck.
  • If a vampire puts on makeup…can they then see their reflection?
  • How does the vampire get to the blood bank? He calls a cab.
  • Why can’t you find any vampires in Africa? Because they bless the rain, then it turns into holy water.
  • Why do vampires frequently drive on the 405 freeway? Because it’s a main artery!
  • Why did the vampire flunk out of school? Because he only went to class at night
  • Why did the vampire become a poet? He wanted to write a verse about the universe
  • How do vampires address someone when beginning a letter? Tomb it may concern.
  • Who is the role model for vampires? Batman.
  • I once dated a vampire but had to break up with her. She really sucked the life from me.
  • Why is the South a vampire’s favorite place? Because it is full of rednecks.
  • What kind of newspapers do vampires like to read? The ones with the best circulation.
  • Did you hear about Dracula and his wife? He divorced her after a blood test. He found out she wasn’t his type.
  • What do you call a tiny vampire? A bite-size snack
  • Who is most afraid of vampires? The dentists that have to work on them.
  • Why did the vampire bring a broom to the game? He wanted to sweep the series
  • What job did Dracula have? Ac-Count-ant.
  • Who is the most valued player on a soccer team full of vampires? The one that scores the most ghouls!
  • What’s a vampire’s favorite bean? A human be’n
  • Why is it easy to trick a vampire? Because they’re suckers!
  • What kind of dog do vampires love? Bloodhounds.
  • If a vampire impersonates Elvis, how does he leave the stage? He leaves by saying, “Fang you, fang you very much! ”
  • Why did the vampire take anger management classes? He had too many impulsive bites
  • What do vampires and false teeth have in common? They both only come out at night.
  • Why did the vampire start a baseball team? He knew the stakes would be high
  • Why did the vampire go on a diet? He wanted to reduce his blood type
  • Why don’t vampires fight each other? They know it would be a pain in the neck
  • Why does Dracula read self-help books? He always wants to re-vamp himself.
  • Why did the vampire become a computer engineer? He liked working with byte codes
  • Why is it so unfortunate that vampires can’t see their own reflection? Because they are so vein!
  • Why did the vampire lose at poker? He couldn’t beat the stakes.
  • What’s a vampire’s favorite color? Blood red.
  • What does a vampire teacher give out? Blood tests.
  • What do you call a vampire who’s a good conversationalist? A neck-talker
  • Why did the vampire go to art class? He wanted to draw blood
  • In what condition did the vampire sell their mirror? Never used.
  • Why did the vampire go to school? He wanted to improve his bat-hematics
  • What did the vampire name his boat? The Blood Vessel.
  • What did the vampire do after he lost a fang? He had to grin and bare it.
  • Why is Dracula so reliable? You can always Count on him.
  • What’s a vampire’s least favorite room? The living room
  • Why did the vampire get hired as a chef? He was really good at using garlic NECK
  • What does a vampire order at the bar? A Bloody Mary.
  • Why did the vampire carry a bag of blood? In case of an emerbatty
  • What is a vampire’s favorite kind of dance? The fang-dango.
  • How did the vampire enter the house? Through the bat door.

And there you have it, folks – seventy rib-tickling, coffin-shaking vampire themed jokes to keep your spirits up even as the sun goes down! So, next time when the atmosphere gets a tad moody at your midnight soirée or a nocturnal get-together, just break out an eerie pun or two from this list. Remember, nothing helps in bonding batty buddies together like a shared laugh…or shriek, for that matter! So keep the laughter undead and remember, whole blood is so old school, the new laugh-trend is 100% organic, locally sourced humor!