248 Chuck Norris Puns That Will Kick Your Laughs Into Overdrive

Ready to release a torrent of giggles and turn your regular day into a laughter riot? Well, prepare yourself for slap-your-knee hilarity with a magnitude powerful enough to make even the universe giggle – yes, we’re talking about 248 dynamite-loaded Chuck Norris puns! The one and only powerhouse that’s capable of laughing Mother Nature into submission and who’s known to split sides (with laughter, of course) rather than do splits in his workouts.

Don’t be deceived, these aren’t your run-of-the-mill chuckles, they’re Chuck-full of wit and humor, packed with comedy that could roundhouse kick your funny bone into the stratosphere. So if you’re looking for a laugh that’s as unbeatable as Chuck Norris himself, then buck up, brave reader, because you’ve come to the right place. Get ready to dive into an ocean of laughs, and who knows, maybe even Chuck himself would approve!

  • Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of fresh rain.
  • Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
  • Chuck Norris can clap with only one hand.
  • The sun lost in a staring contest to Chuck Norris.
  • Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
  • When Chuck Norris lifts weights, the weights get in better shape.
  • Chuck Norris can stare at the sun without squinting.
  • Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
  • When Chuck Norris went to Burger King and ordered a big mac, they dropped everything and made it for him.
  • Chuck Norris’s GPS doesn’t have the courage to tell him to turn around.
  • Chuck Norris drinks a mug of screws instead of coffee with his breakfast.
  • Whenever Chuck Norris needs an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
  • Chuck Norris can start a bonfire with a fire extinguisher.
  • Chuck never needs to throw out the trash, it always throws itself out.
  • The fastest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
  • Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was constantly too close. Now it stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  • After Chuck Norris was born, he drove his Mother home from the hospital.
  • Chuck Norris can make onions cry.
  • Chuck Norris once beat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t need to shower. He prefers blood baths.
  • Chuck Norris won an arm wrestling tournament, with both arms tied behind his back.
  • Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
  • Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a number 2 pencil, it became 2 number 1 pencils.
  • Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.
  • Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with obstruction of justice. This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
  • Chuck Norris eats bullets for breakfast. That’s why you should never be nearby when he burps.
  • The laws of physics make an exception for Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe air. He breathes fear.
  • Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
  • When the teacher wanted to talk to Chuck Norris, she had to raise her hand.
  • When Chuck Norris goes swimming, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.
  • Chuck Norris can taste lies.
  • Time waits for no man, except Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris built the hospital that he was born in.
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he makes sure to check under his bed for Chuck Norris.
  • When Chuck Norris writes, the paper starts to bleed
  • Chuck Norris is so powerful that he can slam a revolving door.
  • Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a coal mine. It then became a diamond mine.
  • After Chuck Norris works out at the gym, they need to close it down for repairs.
  • Whenever Chuck Norris’s parents had nightmares at night they would come to his bedroom.
  • When Chuck Norris does a burpee, he moves the earth down and up.
  • Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
  • In an average family room there are a hundred objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you. That includes the room itself.
  • Chuck Norris once killed someone’s imaginary friend.
  • Chuck Norris was once bitten by a poisonous snake. And after a month of excruciating pain, the snake died.
  • When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor was the only person who cried. You can never slap Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
  • When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters. Not even glass gets in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t need to remove the shell from a coconut when eating it.
  • Chuck Norris can make a square circle.
  • Chuck Norris has never cheated death. He wins fair and square.
  • When Chuck goes bowling he hits every pin in the bowling alley when he hits a strike.
  • Tornadoes are created when Chuck Norris punches the wind.
  • Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 100 men. Then, the grenade exploded.
  • The show Survivor originally had the idea of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. But there were no survivors.
  • Chuck Norris once had an arm wrestling contest with superman.
  • Chuck Norris once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and still won.
  • If you’re able to spell Chuck Norris when playing Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  • Burger King changed their slogan to “Have it your way” after Chuck Norris walked in and ordered a Big Mac.
  • Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris figured out the last digit of pi.
  • Scientists say our Universe is constantly expanding. What it’s actually doing is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
  • If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ former enemies, just check the list of extinct species.
  • There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed the planet.
  • Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
  • It is said that looking directly at Chuck Norris can blind you. The truth is, Chuck can blind the sun by looking at it.
  • The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the corners off.
  • Chuck Norris once built a snowman out of water.
  • When Chuck Norris was a kid he was playing around and started to spin a ball on his finger. Earth continues to spin to this day.
  • Chuck Norris once had a heart attack and his heart lost.
  • Chuck Norris’ house in Hawaii is inside a volcano. He enjoys a natural jacuzzi.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.
  • Chuck Norris has to carry a concealed weapons permit when he wears normal clothes.
  • When Chuck Norris does push ups, the earth moves. This is called an earthquake.
  • Aliens are real. But they won’t be showing themselves as long as Chuck Norris is on the earth.
  • Chuck Norris’ calendar goes right from the 31st of March to April 2nd. No one can fool Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn, he sits outside and dares the grass to grow.
  • Chuck Norris was born May 6th 1945 and the Nazis surrendered May 7th 1945. I rest my case.
  • Chuck Norris never retreats. He simply attacks in the opposite direction.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he temporarily holds the air hostage.
  • If you put your ear up to a seashell you can hear the ocean. If you put your ear up to Chuck Norris’ boot you hear the opening riff to Scorpions’ “Rock You Like a Hurricane”
  • Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
  • And on the 7th day, God rested. Then Chuck Norris took over.
  • Chuck Norris is the reason that Wally hides.
  • They wanted to put Chuck Norris on Mount Rushmore, but his beard was too tough for the granite.
  • When Thanos snapped his fingers, he disappeared. Chuck Norris doesn’t appreciate snapping.
  • Chuck Norris’s belly button actually doubles as a power outlet.
  • Chuck Norris never calls the wrong number. Someone just answered the wrong phone.
  • There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he simply turned up the sun.
  • Chuck Norris can make a slinky go up the stairs.
  • Chuck Norris is able to make other people walk in his sleep.
  • The Flash learned how to run at the speed of light when he discovered Chuck Norris was looking for him.
  • Freddy Krueger has constant nightmares about Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris once shattered the space-time continuum with a roundhouse kick. Thankfully he was kind enough to put it back together.
  • Chuck Norris once punched a cyclops right between the eyes.
  • Chuck Norris played a game of rock, paper scissors against his reflection, and won.
  • Chuck Norris once punched a man in his soul.
  • The primary export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  • Chuck Norris can erase permanent marker.
  • Chuck Norris once fell off the top of a building, and the ground saw its life flash before its eyes.
  • If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says it’s beef, then it’s beef.
  • Chuck Norris got rid of the periodic table. Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
  • Chuck Norris is the only person on Earth that can kick you in the back of the face.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t like climbing trees. Instead, he just pushes them over and walks on them.
  • The sun needs sunglasses when Chuck Norris looks at it.
  • Chuck Norris never uses spell check when he writes. If he ever misspells something, the Oxford dictionary will adjust to accommodate him.
  • Santa Claus was real before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris.
  • The Swiss Army never goes into the field without their Chuck Norris Knives.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, he just decides what time it is.
  • When Chuck Norris does division, there are never any remainders.
  • Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
  • If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, ‘Two seconds till. ’ After you ask, ‘Two seconds to what? ’ he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  • The theory of evolution is a lot simpler than it seems. It’s just a list of creatures that Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • When Chuck Norris was a baby he farted for the first time, scientists say this is when the big bang occured.
  • Chuck Norris once hit a huge rock with his golf club. This created the Moon.
  • Chuck Norris thinks, therefore the World is.
  • Chuck Norris only goes to sleep to let the Earth rest.
  • When a building is on fire and Chuck Norris walks in, the Chuck Norris alarm rings.
  • Chuck Norris can charge a cell phone by rubbing it against his beard.
  • Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
  • The Loch Ness Monster claims to have seen Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris’ trash throws itself out.
  • Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
  • Chuck Norris once wrestled a tiger, an alligator, and a bear at the same time.
  • Chuck Norris can drink a whole pitcher of beer. That includes the pitcher itself.
  • When Chuck Norris looks into the abyss, the abyss nervously looks away and avoids eye contact.
  • When Chuck Norris eats at a restaurant, the waiter tips him at the end of his meal.
  • Chuck Norris was able to smell a gas leak before the scent of gas was added.
  • Chuck Norris uses pepper spray on his steaks to add flavor.
  • Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t have a chin underneath his beard. He has a third fist.
  • Chuck Norris was only ever wrong once. It was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  • When lightning strikes Chuck Norris, the sky gets injured.
  • Chuck Norris climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, and he spent 14 minutes at the bottom admiring the view.
  • Chuck Norris keeps a diary. It’s called the Guinness Book Of World Records.
  • Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he knows what he needs
  • The Dead Sea was alive until Chuck Norris swam there.
  • Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all lethal.
  • Chuck Norris does not own an oven, stove, or microwave. That’s because revenge is a dish best served cold.
  • Chuck Norris is so good at Tetris that he can beat the game in 5 seconds without even playing.
  • When God said, “Let there be light! ” Chuck said, “Say Please. ”
  • Chuck Norris fell while skateboarding and skinned the sidewalk with his knee.
  • The US national anthem sounds like Chuck Norris’ heartbeat.
  • Chuck Norris can kill 50 Shades of Grey.
  • Chuck Norris once strangled a man with a cordless phone.
  • A condom needs protection to avoid becoming impregnated by Chuck Norris on date night.
  • Chuck Norris hates ties! He likes to win instead.
  • When Chuck Norris walks into a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on. Instead, he turns off the dark.
  • The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot each year.
  • Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from the skin of actual cowboys.
  • Chuck Norris is proof that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t alone before he first ventured into space.
  • Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
  • Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time.
  • Chuck Norris is so tough that he once shot an enemy plane down by pointing his finger and yelling, “Bang! ”
  • Chuck Norris mines bitcoin with a pickaxe.
  • Chuck Norris is the narrator of Morgan Freeman’s life.
  • Chuck Norris used to wash his clothes in the ocean, but it caused too many tsunamis.
  • Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
  • On the 7th day, God rested. But only once Chuck Norris gave him permission.
  • Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man so hard that it was felt by his ancestors.
  • The best hand sanitizers can kill 99. 9 percent of germs, but Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  • In the beginning, there was nothing. Then nothing was roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris who told it to get a job.
  • Two police officers were told to arrest Chuck Norris. When they found him they said, “we have the right to remain silent”.
  • Some kids like to pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting because the “hunting” implies that you might not succeed. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  • Chuck Norris once wrestled a tornado, it was dismissed as a light breeze.
  • Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now known as the Islands.
  • Chuck Norris eats the rarest of meats. That typically means dragons and unicorns.
  • Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
  • The dinosaurs once rubbed Chuck Norris the wrong way. As you can tell, dinosaurs aren’t around anymore.
  • If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, then Chuck Norris can beat all of them at the same time.
  • Chuck Norris punches people so hard that their blood starts bleeding.
  • When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s actually just pushing the Earth down.
  • It takes Chuck Norris only 20 minutes to watch the show 60 Minutes.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t get frostbite because he bites frost.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t have to worry about rising gas prices. His vehicles run 100% on fear.
  • Chuck Norris gifted his wife a heart that was still beating on Valentine’s day.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t need to turn the shower on. He just stares at the nozzle until it starts to cry.
  • Chuck Norris can sketch a detailed drawing using an eraser.
  • Chuck Norris drinks napalm if he ever has a case of heartburn.
  • Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris underwear.
  • Chuck Norris is so tough that he can play Jenga with Stonehenge.
  • Chuck Norris breathes air just like the rest of us. A few times a day.
  • Chuck Norris uses pepper spray as a seasoning on his meat.
  • Chuck Norris has a very profitable business selling his urine. It’s called Red Bull.
  • Chuck Norris can kill ten men with one blow. Literally just by blowing on them.
  • Chuck Norris once killed 2 stones with one bird.
  • Chuck Norris was born with two umbilical cords, one red and one blue. The bomb squad made a mistake and cut the wrong cord.
  • The Great Wall of China was originally built to keep out Chuck Norris. It was unsuccessful.
  • Chuck Norris once donated blood to a man, the man has been known as the Hulk ever since.
  • When Chuck Norris is in Rome, the Romans must do as he does.
  • Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. That’s how giraffes were created.
  • Chuck Norris knows what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
  • The real reason why Bigfoot is hiding is that he once saw Chuck Norris walking in the woods.
  • Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
  • Chuck Norris can lift up a bucket while he’s inside it.
  • Whenever Chuck Norris plays dodgeball, the balls try to dodge him.
  • Cars look both ways when Chuck Norris crosses the road
  • E=mc^2. This stands for Everyone equals measly creatures, except for Chuck who squares them.
  • When Chuck Norris was born the doctor asked him to name his parents.
  • Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
  • Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t like to tip waiters because it makes them fall over.
  • Somebody once asked Chuck Norris how many pull ups he could do. They found out that the answer is all of them.
  • Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. The problem is that he has never cried.
  • Chuck Norris can win a race standing still.
  • A rainbow pops up whenever Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Richard Simmons.
  • Voldemort calls Chuck Norris “You know who. ”
  • Chuck Norris is so tough, sometimes his sandwiches stay in the air when he drops them.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t pay his taxes. Instead, his taxes pay Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak obeyed his every command.
  • Chuck Norris never needs to flush the toilet. He always ends up scaring the crap out of it.
  • Ozzy Osbourne bit the head off a bat. Chuck Norris bit the head off Batman.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t negotiate with terrorists. The terrorists negotiate with Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris counted to three in under a second, breaking his previous world record.
  • The reason there are no roads named after Chuck Norris is that no one would ever cross it.
  • Chuck Norris is able to sneeze with his eyes wide open.
  • The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
  • When Chuck Norris uses the internet he can skip ads whenever he wants. However, ads can’t skip Chuck Norris.
  • When Chuck Norris steps on a lego, the lego screams.
  • Chuck Norris once raced the earth around the sun. He won by five years.
  • When Chuck Norris went to college, he sat down with his father and told him, “You’re the man of the house now”.
  • Chuck Norris can cook his minute rice in 30 seconds.
  • Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn’t dodge Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick.
  • In Pamplona, Spain, the people there do an annual running of the bulls. But in reality, the bulls are really running from Chuck Norris.
  • If Chuck Norris would have been on the Titanic, it would not have sunk.
  • A black hole can suck up all matter, but it wouldn’t dare suck up Chuck Norris.
  • Some lucky individuals have made it down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris has gone up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
  • When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher gave him an assignment. He got a perfect score after turning in a blank page with only his name at the top. .
  • Chuck Norris was asked to fire someone once. So he created hell.
  • Fools say that they learn by their mistakes. Chuck Norris lets them learn by his.
  • When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s just letting you know how many seconds you have left to live.
  • The seismic scale has a magnitude above 9 that many people don’t know about. It’s referred to as “the Chuck Norris’ Sneeze”.
  • Ghosts gather around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t use hand sanitizer. He just flexes his muscles and all the germs fly off.
  • If Chuck Norris was on The Titanic the iceberg would have avoided the ship.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t strike gold. Gold is created whenever Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks a rock.
  • In an effort to reduce teleportation costs, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks himself to his destinations.
  • Chuck Norris has counted to infinity twice.
  • When Chuck Norris jumps on the Tempur-Pedic mattress, the wine glass shatters.
  • If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension and meet another Chuck Norris, they would both win in a fight.
  • The “Roundhouse kick” name was born when Chuck Norris kicked an entire house in a circle.
  • For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
  • Chuck Norris can speak in braille.
  • Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his room. It’s not dead, it’s just too afraid to move.

And that, dear readers, brings an end to our roundhouse rollicking heap of 248 Chuck Norris guffaws, guaranteed to kick your funny bone into the next universe where, rumour has it, Chuck Norris may or may not be the ruler. It’s been a blast accompanying you on this laughter-fueled expedition, peppered with a surfeit of hair-raising, smack-talking, largely unbelievable yet hysterically humorous Chuck Norris narratives. Until we meet again for another entertaining romp, remember, Chuck Norris doesn’t laugh at jokes, jokes tremble in fear when Chuck Norris approaches. Keep laughing, folks!