37 Hilarious Newspaper Puns That’ll Make Your Day Extra Newsworthy

Are you ready to jazz up your day with a sprinkle of humorous word play? Newsflash: We’ve compiled an ink-splattered array of rib-tickling jokes and puns, all around the theme of newspapers. 37 times over, you’ll chuckle, you’ll groan, you’ll try not to laugh – but best believe, these witty one-liners just wouldn’t be ‘papered’ over!

From the dynamic world of dailies to the rapid-fire realm of reportage, these hilariously crafted pieces of humour will indeed be the top stories in your laughter section! So, sit back, relax and get ready to crack a smile or thirty-seven! Whether you’re a broadsheet buff or a tabloid tortoise, there’s something for everyone. These newsy nuggets of fun are the perfect light-hearted read, just as the headlines roll in! Remember folks, today’s news is tomorrow’s fish wrap, but a good joke lasts a lifetime! So read on and let the hilarity unfold!

  • If you believe everything a newspaper says, are you guilty of pressumptuous behavior?
  • Why was the newspaper always cold? It left its Windows open!
  • Why was the newspaper always stressed? It was always in-press-ive!
  • How do newspapers stop their coffee from getting cold? By using the daily press.
  • There were two different newspapers with fresh crosswords on the breakroom table today that had the exact same clue for a word with eleven letters. I’m sure it was just coincidence.
  • There was a listing in the classifieds section of the newspaper for a free talking dog today. Curious to know more about this impossible creature, I called the number and arranged a time to meet and made my way to the address given. When I arrived, a dog was peering over the fence around the yard; a normal looking German Shepherd. I decided to say hello to the dog, not thinking for a second that I would get any kind of response as I went through the gate and started up the walk to the front door of the house. To my surprise, I heard a reply from behind me. “Greetings and well met, ” said the gruff voice. I stopped in mid-step, turned and said “So you really do talk! ”“Indeed I am, ” replied the dog. “This is amazing! You have to tell me your story, ” I said excitedly. “Sure. It’s pretty simple actually. I was part of a regular litter and learned to speak by listening to my humans. When my owner figured out I could speak, being a secret agent with the government, he decided to use me as his partner to help spy on the Russians at the end of the Cold War. We did good, but he passed away suddenly shortly after we retired and now I’m here. ”The door behind us creaked open as the dog finished his story and I turned to greet the owner. “Your dog is amazing. Why would you ever want to give him up, ” I asked? “Because he’s full of crap. He never did any of those things! ”
  • Who has the most stories to tell at the paper mill? The old news-paper!
  • Why don’t newspapers work in the dark? They need all the news that’s fit to print!
  • Why did the newspaper go to school? It wanted to improve its circulation.
  • What’s black and white and read all over? A blushing zebra in a newspaper.
  • A man and his granddaughter were sitting at the table having tea. A fly lands on the table between them and the man asks his granddaughter to hand him the newspaper from the shelf next to her. “ Newspapers are so old-fashioned, grandpa, here let me show you how to use the tablet, ” she says, and hands him her iPad. That fly never stood a chance.
  • My dad saw a classified ad in the local paper that he really liked, but when I asked him about it, he said that he wasn’t allowed to tell me about it.
  • Why was the newspaper at the end of the marathon? To get the latest edition!
  • Why did the banker start reading the newspaper? He wanted to keep up with his interest.
  • My mom got so upset when she was unable to find the scissors to cut her coupons out of the newspaper that she was reduced to tears.
  • Why was the newspaper always hungry? It was food for thought!
  • What do you call a newspaper that never comes on time? Old news.
  • I was surprised about the free printer I received when I bought my new laptop for writing articles. His name is Arthur and it seems he has worked with newspapers for over a decade.
  • While looking for work leads in the paper today, I noticed a posting that said “Accountant needed: $60, 000 – $70, 000. ” The opportunity was too good to pass up so I called the number and when the person answered I excitedly blurted out “It’s -$10, 000! ”
  • Why did the newspaper editor go to jail? For running afoul of too many “edit”-orial rules.
  • There sure have been a lot of articles about vampires in the newspapers lately. It’s strange though, you can’t see them in The Mirror.
  • What type of newspaper is chewy? Chewspaper!
  • Why did the journalist follow a competitor’s newspaper delivery van down the highway? They were trying to keep up with the times.
  • Why does Dracula like to read the biggest local newspaper? He heard it has great circulation.
  • If a newspaper reporter jumps out of a window on the 20th floor and lands on the pavement below, what would be her final words? STOP THE PRESS!
  • Why did the ant read the newspaper daily? To get the latest buzz!
  • Why was the newspaper embarrassed at the library? It had a lot of issues.
  • Why did the newspaper report see the psychiatrist? It had too many column issues.
  • A single man was reading a newspaper in the coffee shop when he saw a posting in the classifieds section of the local newspaper that read: “Find your soul mate for just $20. ”With nothing to lose, he figured why not and gave the number a call. A short while later, an Australian gentleman with what looked like a bunch of ghost hunting equipment approached the man at his table and greeted him. When the man asked the Aussie what all the gear is for, the Aussie replied, ‘It’s for finding your soul, mate! ’
  • What do newspapers and pancakes have in common? They both use batter!
  • What type of shoes do journalists wear? News-boots!
  • What do you call a newspaper that only reports on the sun? The Daily Ray.
  • Why don’t Hogwarts students read Muggle newspapers? Too many Daily Prophets.
  • Where does a newspaper journalist go when they need a lead on a new scoop? The ice cream shop.
  • What do you call an Italian newspaper correspondent? Time’s New Roman.
  • It’s hard to take anything seriously in the newspapers today, aside from fish & chips, that is. Even that needs to be enjoyed with a few grains of salt. “Honey, what is a four letter word used to describe a religious song, ” the husband asked his wife as he was working through the crossword in the newspaper over breakfast? “Hymn, ” she replied. “Yeah, it’s a tough one, isn’t it? ”
  • Where do newspapers go on vacation? To news-places.

And that wraps up our list of 37 headlines worth of hilarity! It’s been an ‘extra, extra’ laugh riot journeying through this daily broadsheet bonanza. As you can tell, humor can be found in the grid of any newspaper, enabling your day to fold out in joy with these puns and jokes. After all, news doesn’t always have to be about grim headlines and weather reports, sometimes it’s about the funnies that make you chuckle out loud or provide a light-hearted pun that tickles the edges of your smile. We hope you enjoyed this typecasting treat and that these gags haven’t made you ‘press’ the panic button. So next time, if anyone asks why you’re laughing while reading the news, be sure to share these whimsical wordplays and prepare for a comic circulation! Now, isn’t that a story to tell?